This is a recurrent emotion.
A deep sense of powerlessness, of vulnerability, of not knowing certainty.
It has grown in, taken shape within. The years of turmoil, of stepping away from who I am, of dismembering the essence of being, to choose an image, an illusion of who I could be, should be, would be. I have walked away from the inside to the outside-to fix temporarily the problems which appeared momentarily. There were the problems of lovelessness, of betrayal, of sexual abuse, of not being enough, of carrying an unconsciousness that ringed in every word I spoke, that directed my actions, inactions, my indifferences, my cruelty.
Sitting in a dark room, when the light outside is too bright not to shine through, I learn and realize that everything that I have been seeking, wanting to find, wanting to have, everything rests within me. It is a realization that carries such profound meaning that shakes me to the core-touching the first dimension of awareness, of consciousness, of the being.
I receive a text from him.
"The more we become who we truly are we will experience love in its true sense."
I let it sink in within me. It is these words that I have been wanting to hear, I realize. Something like this. As I sit and do not move to the voice of shame and fear, of being a fake coming from within me, I grow at ease with the self. The uninhibiting, liberating, tolerant, kind, spiritual self.
Without judgment, without the labeling of people, without the ego sitting at a corner sulking and being intolerant, it is easy to forgive. In fact, you don't feel the need to carry the load, the burden which not only dehumanizes others but keeps dehumanizing yourself. I have been carrying this load, this heaviness as a mark of my valour, of my courage, and suddenly I realize that leaving it and letting it go is a far greater measure of courage, of braveness.
I am learning.
At times, the struggle is debilitating. At times, it nourishes from within. At times, I just have to let it be, not wanting to find all answers in the immediate.
At times, the struggle lessens.
Like at this moment.