This Place, This Time, This Moment...

It is really difficult for me to feel about this year. It is almost over and I will struggle atleast for a week to write 2011, striking 2010, again and again and then again. I will also celebrate humbly in silence over this blog- its first anniversary. It is remarkable to know that just last year, I was at this same place, I had the same cold feet, and it was just about this time, when I began this blog. Things don't change much, I guess. 

A lot has happened since that night in 2009, the night I began with this journey. Back then, I thought, I would become an instant hit. I would reach millions but wished more people would reach out to me. I had a small head then. I really am glad that none of that happened.

Sometimes, I take this platform too seriously like for the past few months. This has become the place where I have been able to meet a person who was hidden inside of me. It was here where I learnt to imagine about a new world and then write it all down some how, staggering, and failing and yet waiting for people to read and appreciate and say a word or two. At other times, I would become a silly goose writing utter nonsense which I would regret writing later. I have also been able to give a space for my secrets- secrets that have been a part of me, which couldn't find a place anywhere else. I would not have had that courage for the new dimension to reach out for that part of my life once again.

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I have tried to find something for myself. What is the purpose that I write? Zilch. But I have found people who would give me a better insight at things. Although, I do not consider myself young anymore, I am repeatedly reminded by my kind friends that I have a bigger life just ahead of me if I wish to choose it.

It would make me look at myself in the mirror and believe- yes! there is in fact something bigger waiting for me. What would I do without those people? I am grateful because I have been blessed with people who could put themselves in my place for a minute. Some days I would look at my followers section and would want more. More. More. More. But then who would read a page's length post about a broken heart and tell me to look for the positive, that I am still young and that there will be better things coming my way. Those people, those people are my sunshine, those people are my own version of the Disney magic. 

I cannot say that this year has had its good for me. However, I know, I just have to sit in serenity to look for it. Indeed, I have been blessed. I have been blessed with a lighter heart, being blessed to know that life is bigger than just the few heartbreaks that I have known since. I can finally say that I am over some person. I can finally say I am beginning to take a shot at my life. Because, this place, this time, this is the exact moment, I would have wanted to be in. 

Happy New Year my lovely friends. 

  

It Was One Such Winter Morning...

For the first time in so many years, I have taken cover from the cold. Usually, I have embraced winters as much I have embraced the rain. It is so subtle, this feeling, that I have changed. And with me, the little things that appealed to me have as well. I do not wish to be captivated by a shrinking body and it's inability to move. The mere thought of something taking away my freedom of movement scares me. So, I sit by the window in my living room, my gaze on a new chapter in a new book. I have embarked on a new journey and as I continue to dwell in its characters and places, I cannot help but let my mind wander to the cast of characters outside. 

You can see the cold out there. It is devoid of snow and yet, it is white. The mist and the fog go well together. And days without the sun, such as the day today, it is a party for them. I am appalled by this white maze of winter, a maze that usually set me on an adventure. The rain from the morning still sits on the stairs outside. The tiny pellets of visible chillness magnify the world, bringing an intimate look at something in the past. I cannot hear a single movement outside. Everything is at peace.

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It was one such winter morning last year. It was one day I will never forget. I had just come out of a viral fever and my ears ached with bacterial infections. My throat was bisected into two battalions and my bones reeked of mucus and tiredness. I had been in bed for so long that winter that I lost count of the number. That winter morning, I woke up to feel free again. I did not care of the misty cold or the lack of the sun. That morning, as I walked, for the first time I heard the sound of silence intermingled with the cold. When you live in a busy city street, you are doomed to hear sounds that do not carry much meaning. But that morning, there was something more than just plain luck. As I walked down this street, I could not see a single soul outside. It was the cold alone and in that cold, a sick, convalescing being walking in awe.

I doubt that that moment of happiness and peace would come back again. I am sitting inside fearful of the same cold that once blew my mind away. I have been fearful this winter lot more than ever before. I look outside the window and the intensity of the cold makes me cry on the inside. There are so many things that have pulled me back, that have made me feel nothing. This year has been one of those testing times and this winter, I have realised, we change. We change from the things that held grave importance to us once. And we let others change with us or without us. But some things, a few little things, things which won't talk about at all to our dearest of friends or our spouses, they remain the same. We remain the same through them.

There could be no place better than the comfort of my bed and the warmth of my quilt. But I do not want to be there.  
  

Remind Me Monday: Part 5

Hello lovely ladies, are you all full with desserts? Well, it was a fabulous Christmas, wasn’t it? And now that we gotta get back on our treadmills and diets, while also beating the Monday morning blues, let’s have a reminder list, shall we? Today, I want to be reminded...

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That Christmas will always have its magic. Maybe it does not snow everywhere, but just one single moment in the past is enough to make you smile every year.

That there will be a stage in our life where we will have to let go our baby sisters and brothers, our kids, and even ourselves.

That yoga is awesome.

That time is all you have when you stop for a second and actually look around.

That having that last piece of chocolate cake is alright- as long as it is Christmas, New Year, your birthday and Valentine’s Day. A few other holidays, promotions, hitting the gym, waking up at five in the morning, standing up for yourself are also included.

That if we really want to be happy, skip reading the morning newspaper.

That we have a reason be happy because Jake Gyllenhaal walks among us. Miracles happen all the time! You never know! J

That as long as we stand up for ourselves, no pervert can make us feel less.

That God is in the every little thing that you do to make someone happy.

That alone does not mean we are lonely.

That the world is our stage and our mind, the camera.

That half the things we say when we are mad do not mean anything. It is better not to let them out.

That if we are walking through hell, we gotta keep walking.

That life always gives you a second chance to make things alright. Till then, you need to wait. It is someone else’s turn.

That we should never give up on our dreams. Two words sister- SUSAN BOYLE.

That smiling does not need any preparation or practice. Just smile. I mean NOW. J

That money is something we all need. And if we all need money so badly, we cannot have it all. This New Year, shift money down from your priority list just a tad.

That we should thank our good health atleast once in a day.

That some pursue happiness, others create it. Which one do you want to be?

That holidays are one thing that we all could start being thankful for.

That we need to stop searching for happiness. It is sitting next to us waiting for us to acknowledge it.

That raindrops on roses, snow outside the window, white daisies in the garden and a beautiful rainbow will continue to be favourite things.

That we should not generalise what we see, what we are told, and what we say.

That today is a new day. Let’s be happy, let’s be dumb, let’s be smart, and let’s make it a goodilicious day.

And now, time for your Christmas present, ladies...

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Hallelujah! 

Merry Christmas

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Merry Christmas dearest people. God Bless you all.

I'm off to watch It's a Wonderful Life :-D

And I can’t wait to get my hands on mind-numbing, smile-bringing, gooey, warm, desserts. 

Someday I Will...

I am at a loss when it comes to recounting childhood. I was a stupid, sober girl and there was nothing special about the way I was. I wasn’t regular and I wasn’t irregular! I had had my fling with diseases- chicken pox, jaundice, mumps, tonsillitis, head cuts, fever, colds, I had everything that a child is destined to. Every summer, I would suddenly become the center of attention in the household- my father fetching me medicines, my mother preparing me homemade decoctions, and my younger sister doing everything that she could possibly do to help me. Life would not have been easy for that family of four where there was just one person earning. But, of all those things, I never cared. It was not my business to feed us or clean us or whatever it was that parents did. All that it mattered was how long that chicken pox could make me skip school? At five, I did not have much insight about life nor was I made to think about it. I just had to live. There was absolutely no way that I could die when I was five. I just had so many things to see.

It is definitely not the best way to go about life. After seventeen years, even today, I am not at peace with the thought of dying. It will be a far far far far far day. But not now, not today. Neither tomorrow or the day after.

This week, we were asked by The Red Dress Club to write something about charity, precisely what it meant to us. What does charity mean to me? Coming from a household where meals were not meager but where the wish list was finite, for a major part of my life, charity meant nothing. Besides, I never saw integrity and honesty when someone talked about charity. Charity had to have some conniving, money mongrel sucking our money in the name of unfortunate children and people. It simply never appealed to me as it should have.

18 years in vain. 18 years in plain denial of something that the world needs today. 18 years in denial of having a little faith. Today, I still find it hard to change the meaning that I have associated with charity. But today, I am not in denial of what so many people in the world need.

At five, she has already undergone treatments, I don’t the names of. At five, she must know what life threatening means. At five, she must have done rounds to her hospital more than I have. In another five years, she would know what Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia means. Her wish was to have her own bike. And here she is with that subtle face that must have been running with tubes on more than one occasion. Here she is with her puny body that must have been through repeated vomiting and tears. And she sits there, like nothing ever happened. Courage comes in many faces. This is one face.

Someday, I will sit by the fire and tell my children to save for charity, to share their blessedness with others. Someday, I will work for people who really could do with a hug, a smile, a simple holding of hand. Someday, I will be surrounded by a hundred smiles. Someday, I will have the power to affect a life. Someday, I will dedicate this life that survived petty illnesses in aid of others. That one day, I would find myself for the first time.   

And she is my beginning. 

With Just a Hint of Pixie Dust...

The festivities are on. The season of blessings and happy memories ring along with every wind that blows in the city. It is hard to resist this fever that makes way through your kinetic senses and then throbs in your heart, making it beat faster. The excitement swims through to you. It is unmatchable.   

And I could not have been quieter. Over the past few weeks, I have been quiet. I sit alone in my room tossing back and forth. I sit outside to catch those few precious minutes of the winter gleaming sun. And, then I come back in again when the heat becomes too much for my brown skin. These past weeks have been the richest of times. I have been successful on so many fronts and failed drastically at others. But mostly, I realized that I am just alone. I am not a loner.

It is disheartening to see that I am getting estranged from someone whom I held too close. We have grown into two different people capable of our own worlds. But, on the positive side, I have been able to be in the life that I have always wanted myself to be. I walk in the subway with this pop-smile that dons itself on every single time. I cannot agree I have been happier. It does irk me acknowledging that people are looking at me and yet the harder I struggle to conceal my smile, I fail. Like I said, another of the monumental things that I failed at.

As I am writing, I could see before me the millions of little things that are waving at me. Here I come. Here I come. The festivities have spread themselves like wings and the mission is simple. The mission is to be happy. The mission is to let go of the things that were happily fading in the mist of the past. Why do we have to give them the pulse to keep them reverberating silently in the warmth of our hearts, making us cold in turn? Why do we have to blame the world for everything that happened and for everything that could have happened? There could not have been a better way the things could have unfolded themselves. You and I, we just need to imagine better.

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I want to start believing in fairies. I want to start believing in wishing stars. Tonight, I am aware of the conspicuousness of my age and yet I let go of it. I am not 22 tonight. Tonight is my night. Tonight I am Peter Pan. Captain Hook, here I come. 

Remind Me Monday: Part 4

Hello lovely ladies,

It is Remind Me Monday Time again and given that we are all busy with our holidays and Christmas shopping and baking cakes and burning muffins, not to forget all that extra load of chaos wherever we go… we seriously need to be reminded about a number of things…

Today, I want to be reminded...

That we are all beautiful, capable and smart women. Okay so, we burnt the first batch of muffins… it is not the end of the world.

That there is nothing better than shopping to outdo that depression.

That life can be a b**** sometimes. But can ya blame her? We all are at one point in time or another.

That Cinderella and Snow White would not have existed of someone had not imagined them. Keep your mind wide open.

That Amelia Earhart was a hero.

That You’ve Got Mail are still magic words.

That the more we read, the less we would have time to whine.

That some people are just not meant to be part of our lives anyway.

That life is best seen through a child’s eyes.

That TV kills our brain occasionally. The rest goes with crying for some a*******.

That self acceptance is the best present you can give yourself this Christmas.

That we are all people. And people make mistakes.

That you never settle in life.

That what the world thinks about you is not your business.

That we will never run out of New Years. Don’t worry, you can still carry forward a resolution. J

That fear is a sacred thing. It is an indicator of the things that we need to prepare ourselves for.

That love does not need always need money. But it looks good with it.

That we are perfect in every way God intended us to be. That is why we are born women.

Have a great start to your week lovelies.

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And I leave you with this picture to enjoy J Thank you Hugh Jackman. God Bless You. 

One Lifetime of Fear/ One Moment of Promise

I should be working on my JAVA project. I am. I am listening to Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift. I have an e-Project Guide JAVA laid out in front of me. And I can hear the volume of the TV rise and fall in the next room. I have a frown on my face and that grotesque expression when I intend to solve everything. I am cold too. But, sitting here, trying to avoid the unbearable sounds and braving my uncanny brain, I find myself exactly where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do.

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I have been scared for so long. I have been scared to face my priorities. I have been scared of my capability. For so long, I was meandering among the mellow paths in my life. It was a phase that showed me different things and yet I wanted to be this person. I wanted to work hard for something that could make me happy. I wanted to work for something that could help me prove- what I am made of. And even though, the words in this book escape me on most occasions, I am enjoying this phase. I realized how much we lose when we shut ourselves from possibilities. Fear is a sacred thing. It is an indicator of the things we need to prepare ourselves for. We often push aside certain things- things which overwhelm us. Often they are something that we cannot contemplate at that hour, and often it scares us. Tonight, as I continue to push myself to soak in the letters and codes, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed at the silly, ignorant fear that made me ignore this feeling of achievement. I am overwhelmed at the tiredness of my soul in letting me put this aside for one more day. I am overwhelmed at my fear of losing to something before even starting it.

Life comes in many ways. One day, it is the beauty of the sun surrounded with the silver clouds. On another day, you would be wet and cold. I cannot say that I have chosen to face my fear but I have taken my time to choose. Time has its innate ability to make us feel better, to see things in a better light, and tonight, I can see it. I can see the opportunities that are coming my way. I hope that everyone reaches this point- this elated feeling that I have right at this hour, this minute, of not only shaking out of the fear and insecurity but the enlightened promise of something better.

Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow will have its own promises and fears. But today, I am going to bask in the glory of smiles and the innocent pride.    

Remind Me Monday: Part 3

Hello lovely ladies,

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It is Remind Me Monday time again. Another one of the many million Mondays  to come and today, I want to be reminded...

That love will find a way.

That diamonds are not necessarily a girl’s best friend. 

That it needs belief to see miracles.

That Edward may not come to your rescue always but your own courage will.

That you should not obsess about diet. You should obsess about health.

That it rains proving that the world still has good people in it.

That God is just waiting for you to acknowledge Him.

That there are far better things ahead than anything  that we left behind.

That waking at five in the morning is probably the best way to get yourself that “extra” time.

That success comes with the good old ways of hard work- sweat and physical work.

That half the world does not care about your darkest secrets. They have their own set to worry about.

That there will be some people who will stand by you till the end.

That your nightmares cannot face the light of the day. Forget them.

That yesterday was just another day. Today is what you have to live in.

That smiling turns your wrinkles into laugh-lines and previously unseen dimples.  J

That war is like an obsession. Peace is like love.

That John Lennon rocks even in the 21^st century and probably will continue to do so.

That money can’t buy you love.

That life will teach you all the lessons you will ever need.

That success is more of a journey. Enjoy the journey which has millions of milestones.

That you will need your family behind you. Always.

That it is worth to feed your mind the right diet.

That Buddha was right- We are what we think.

That today is a good good day.

Have a great start to your week. 

PS: You can grab the button lovelies. Only if you want to. We are living in free countries. Enjoy. 

By the Window, Under the Moonlight: TRDC Meme

Hello my beautiful ladies. How are you on this very fine Friday morning/evening? Oh! Love is probably best talked during these holidays and what could be more perfect that writing about first love. That is the very theme of the TRDC meme for this week.

I stay alive into the night, thinking of you

From the times when you were just another person to the times you gave those subtle cues,

I go back to a time, a time when love was silly laughs,

I go back to the time, when we were all that we had.

Handsome, smart, Six feet and an inch or so,

My five feet never reached your charm; my average face could not do more,

Formed of friendship, sarcasm, spirit and support,

Our love stood in the middle of questioning pros.

I walked with you the roads I never cared to see,

I drenched in your smile under the moonlight beam,

We were something- the two of us in that mad world of ours,

We were better friends, biggest losers, and silent lovers.

Places have changed, time has too,

Since the time, we had decided to move,

I wish I could have one last walk, the one last walk that we did not have,

I wish I could hold onto everything, you taught me to believe.

Our words are lost into the dreariness of that one night,

The few little things when they laid down their smite,

I sit here with a cringing heart not for the times we cried,

But for those countless times, you made me laugh, you made me fly.  

You do not bring me tears, you do not bring me pain,

You do not make me curse, you do not make me stop saying your name again,

I sit with a silent smile, the one so characteristic given by you,

By the window, under the moonlight, I think I still love you.

Virtual Coffee V

Hello lovely people,

I hope that you guys are having a great start to the week. Is it just me or December is just cruising along? We just had our coffee date and here we are again, one week later. But it is alright with me as long as we are meeting. Head over to Amy’s for the major deal.

I’d order Caffe Freddo today. It’s got a nice ring to it. I’d also have a chocolate soufflé because it is just so enticing.

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So, we were meeting for coffee today, I’d greet you with the widest ever grin that I could pose. I am just so happy and I don’t even know why. I am just about to lose it- there are so many things to do, Christmas is coming along and my sis’s birthday is next.

I’d tell you about how much I am scared about my computer project that I haven’t started with. I’d also tell you about the exam results that I am hinging my hopes on. There is just so much happening. Everywhere. And I’d tell you that I have been singing so much lately and I just cannot sit at a single place. I am still reading The Road Home and it seems like never ending because I cannot get past the 118^th page in the 426 paged book. It is that interesting. I’d also tell you that last week, I had to pay my first library fine. It was shameful but I just couldn’t help it. It was a hard week for me and I was this close to shutting down. This week though, I am able to get up early in the morning and I feel great. I have always admired my friends Karen and Karen of their ability to wake up early in the morning. And, I owe them both for making me feel this spirited.

I’d tell you that I am really excited about the Remind Me Monday that I have begun posting about. And, I am glad and grateful for the kindred souls who have liked it and admired it. Thank you sweethearts. And yes, Gnetchy Gnetch, I would continue with it.

Then I’d ask about what you have been doing? I’d ask about the Christmas shopping, the decorations and what your kids would want for Christmas. I am thinking of gifting myself with a YOGA DVD. Seriously, I couldn’t think of anything better. I’d ask you if you needed help with your shopping and if so, I would love to be of help. :-D Anytime.

This week, on my crush list I have Jeff Corwin and Jimmy Stewart again. Eternal love I guess. And before we leave, we can go for a little shopping, just for us ladies. Or how about a manicure?

I’d hug you good bye with our manicured hands, promising to write to you soon. Have a great week, loves. 

Remind Me Monday: Part 2

Good morning World. Another new week which requires another reminder of how beautiful this life is. I want to be reminded today…

That God is crazy about you and me.

That time will heal all pain.

That silence does not necessarily mean you are weak.

That FB, Twitter, Blogging, and checking e-mail are addictive.

That every morning comes with the promise of new answers.

That breaking-up won’t necessarily kill you but insomnia will.

That love is something you are never sorry for.

That when you love your body, it will love you back.

That life is bitter, sweet, salty and hot.

That every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.

That NO man is a failure who has friends. I know, I am obsessed with It’s a Wonderful Life and Jimmy Stewart.  

That holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

That men will be men.

That success lies at the first right, just ahead of fear.

That everybody wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die.

That someday, everything will become alright.

That in your lifetime, you may not visit every single place on this earth. That is why they created books and now the Internet.

That 80’s probably was the best time period.

That Matt Damon is worth every minute of drooling over.

That life is too short to eat crap.

That oatmeal may not be the best breakfast but it certainly is better than an empty stomach.

That people who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

That starting your Monday with a smile will help you come back to it again.

Happy Monday lovely people.  

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Trapped: TRDC Meme

Well, hello lovely ladies. This week’s TRDC challenge is to write a flash fiction on TRAPPED or I truly enjoyed spending time with them. I just had to decide which of them I would kill. I chose the first prompt. Hope you guys enjoy.

I am trapped…

It was the evening before New Year- a dull and sober day as it had always been. Not many would agree with me but I had learnt to become different a long time back. I sat in my room that was more eerie than relaxing. Our house was at the last end of a row of scattered old houses, each different and more melancholic than the rest. It was the last night of 1964, another year that went past me before I could spell Hallelujah. My room lacked the vigor that came from the mutual love between light and heat. It was as cold as I was on that day. As the snow doubled its intensity, I hollered at my reflection on the window. My voice was as invisible as I most often was, sitting on that window. Outside, the countryside trees hung in shame at their nudity, covering themselves with whatever snow they could gather.

I could hear shouts and loads of laughter from below, grinding into my cringing heart. There is that mellifluous laughter of my mother accompanied with the excitement surrounding the kitchen. There is that sharp baritone of my father, which I had grown to hate. My twin brothers were good at many things- none that I know of. Others were soon to arrive- my grandparents, my uncles and aunts and my cousins. Another glorious celebration of the beginning of yet another dreadful year in my life.

I should not have been born, let alone live for sixteen years. Who am I? I can go on pondering on that question for days altogether without an answer. I have tried talking to my mother. My mother was always protective of me. She was there when my brothers picked on me. Like every mother, she was there for her child. But there are things that are behind her comprehension and I for one always lacked words. Always. Don’t think like that Sam. You are a normal girl.’ But like every other mother, she lied well. I don’t blame her. She wanted her child to be happy. Atleast, she was better than my father.

I can now hear the tires in their desperate attempt to halt at our driveway. The first troupe of clowns has come. Happy New Year! Happy New Year!       

‘Sam, come down sweetheart. Your grandparents are here.’

The night was colder than we had anticipated. The snow had already covered our driveway though our house managed to shimmer through it. My short curls drooped over my face in protest and my blue- finger nails matched well for a blue-eyed monster. The curls swooshing against my ears rendered a hissing voice- a voice that I had heard many times before. You are out of place, Sam. You are trapped. You are trapped…  Solitude was a rare thing in this neighborhood. The only place safe was this room- this room that had been concealing in its walls and bricks, truths and lies of varying intensities.

From below, I now heard the synchronized laughter, the clattering of dishes, the mild aroma of the turkey escaping the kitchen, and the last of the Christmas carols that continued to torture till the New Year.    

‘Sam, honey. Come on down. Dinner’s ready.’

I heard my mother climbing the stairs despite the fact that her arthritic legs were not her best friends. She just could not let go of me like my father had. My brothers were too busy in their experiments and troubles to note my egressions. My mother believed that I could become normal, that one day everything will be alright. As she opened the door, her smile disappeared for a second. She gathered her last drops of hope while reaching out to me.    

‘Come on Sam. Why are you sitting in this cold? Oh! Dear, your hands are so cold. My poor baby. Let’s get you downstairs. Your grandparents are here. You know, what they got you? Oh! You will soon find out. Let’s go. I made your favorite pie. You will love it my baby.’

In that minute, as she was mumbling nuisancy, I saw her innocence. I saw her desperate hope to gather every ounce of me- her daughter. I saw every fiber in her fighting to make me look normal- to deny that I am a man in a woman’s body. 

*Image Source: Google Images