January 30, 2011

Fall on Me like the Sunshine...

I am unfinished. Enshrouded in a searching rage and immune to emotions. January flew. Flew away in its moody, subtle ways without meaning any harm to the world. Things just happened, like they happen all the time...

A friend lost her husband.

Another friend lost someone she loved best.

One other friend talked about post-suicidal ideation.

One welcomed her one year of sobriety.

Another friend is on the streets of Egypt protesting against injustice.

Another friend disclosed her struggles with depression while yet another talked about her life with FMS.

The power to accept is not common. The power to present the truth in its rawest form is even rare. I don't know what I see in them. I cannot possibly justify with my words what they must have undergone during that endless siege of testing times. I laud at their courage. This post is dedicated to each of those brave hearts.

I may not know them all in their immediate life. They all live far- Australia, US, Egypt. All of them separated with miles and miles of land and water. Miles of snow and sun. What brings them together is a ray of hope that beads through each of their lives radiating its power onto us.

I sit in a secured environment, well guarded. I am ignorant of the pain of loss. The immediate group of people surrounding me are finite and few. I force myself not to think of the unthoughtful. Last night, I had a meltdown, one of those roughest of nights when the monster of depression creeps in without premeditated force taking us down. Tears rolled down in a fury. Hatred of this person- this weak person that I had become. My head pounded while my heart beat at its own mathematically arrived equation.

I cried for myself. I felt liberated because I owe nothing to no one. For a moment, I thought, death wasn't that bad an option. It seemed liberating. Death is eminent anyway, I thought. Depression has its ways of talking and mine had drunk a whole beer crate to make any better sense. So, I rested against my will, rested against the growing threats.

Voices. I hear voices now. Unknown voices. I am not schizophrenic. Or am I?

Death. Fight. Life. Happiness. Soul. Life. One more attempt. Try. Voices.

Death is too much work, I finally concluded. Besides, I did not want to die. Not now. I am unfinished.     

This is not my depression story. That is a different issue altogether. I just needed those people to know that I am deriving strength from them, from their lives, from their fights. One figment in time. Their hope, courage, falling on me like sunshine. Because, sunshine reaches us all through thick and thin, pure and unprejudiced. I survived the night. The morning was better, I sang, I did yoga, I smiled, I believed. The night looked like a bad dream.      

I realized, some people are alone. We need someone all the time to hold us through. It is so difficult to carry on in solitude. After all, a smiling face is not necessarily a happy face. Every life wants a witness. She was like this... He was like that... A witness to lay down our living moments to others.

I witness them. Someone will witness me.

Together, we are not alone.  

1 comment:

  1. deep, thought-provoking, candid and kind. in short, lovely!