October 26, 2011

The Lights will Shine

The day ends in another eighteen minutes. 

Tomorrow, we will be celebrating Diwali, literally translated to festival of lights. The festival originates in mythology, a day celebrated for the homecoming of a certain God. It is a long story but i don't want to write about that. 

There is a breezy chillness in the air and why not! It is the end of October... in another week, the winter will set in. The city is already preparing itself. There is a mild mist that circles the city, showing off... what is about to come, what is awaited. 

And, in this lightheaded chillness, the city looks beautiful. The roads are lit, the shops stay open late than usual... and people- oh! they are always there. This city sleeps but it never looks like it. Diwali is another of the festivals which sets in motion a chain of events- a fission of energy and it radiates in every individual... rich, middle class, and poor.

If you come to the city tonight, you will be amazed by the lights... beautiful and colorful, covering the whole city in their gaze. It is an amazing feeling when you look at something so enriched and bright. For a moment, it is easy to lose out on the troubles and just focus on the good. 

They are like little angels guiding the way in an old city... where cultures mix, people clash, and where there is always too much of everything. And, even though this is a small city, it is beautiful and unique in its own way. 

If you come to the city tomorrow, you will probably be stuck in traffic jams- hour long. 

But, the night will be beautiful- lighted and loud. You will see fireworks in all their glory- just like the 4th of July. It will fun because what could be more fun than having the whole family at home- just like Christmas. 

The city turns in its pretentious slumber tonight... knowing that it will awake to a beautiful morning. A morning full of new hopes, better relationships, brilliant food, and fun. 

Of course, the day after tomorrow, everything will be back to normal. Things in life will continue to annoy, people at work would continue to be jerks, and every day will be like any other day. 

But, somehow the lights would have shone... and somehow, the world would have become a better place.

Amen. 

October 21, 2011

Texting: TRDC Meme

This week, Write on Edge has asked us to compose a text of 160 characters that would elicit fear. 


I don't know if i could do this...

October 20, 2011

Like Life Itself.

Now that i have decided to write almost everyday, i am thinking it is a great idea.

It is better than not writing anything at all.

Today is a funny day.

I have laughed so much today and it makes me feel just fine. Then, again my jerky boss called us "children" and i am so totally okay with it. Because, it is much more fun. Situations, whatever the hell they are, they seem funny and solvable.

I am willfully annoying my sister when she has to prepare for a presentation tomorrow. It is funny because she is laughing with me and at me. I like this moment in time. Everything around me looks casual, calm, and hilarious. Just the way i want life to be.

Half-hearted is just so out of style!

Speaking of hearts and mushy stuff, i have been trying to bring myself in my best mood every time. I have seen myself nagging... nagging... and more nagging and sometimes, it just makes me sick. I have always believed in keeping the child within me alive...

Sometimes, i lose touch with that reality. I get engrossed in the immediate losing out on the littlest moments that often give the most of happiness. Two weeks before, i saw myself as the happiest person on this planet.

We were visited by family friends. They had this one and a half year-old baby girl with whom i spent the best time. It was so easy been with her... playing with her, listening to her baby talks, her late night cries, her laughter, chuckles... and so much more.

I have been thinking about it... why was it that i was so happy when she was here!

And, i realized that i was happy because i was living in the moment focused on one thing. No multitasking.

I was there celebrating her tiny successes- like her spontaneous mono-syllabic answer to some adult question, her dancing to some of her favorite songs, and the random games that i played with her. It felt so fresh, so new, and altogether blasts of beautiful wishes, all coming true.

I miss her so terribly. I miss being that person that i was when i was with her.

Now, it's all about the work, all about the successes and losses, and it is all about the way i am taking things that are coming at me. Which are all so boring.

But then, it was so simple, so pure, fun and easy.

Like life itself.

I will keep those memories safe. Reminding myself of how the best things in life come with little feet and tiny hands.

Happy.

October 19, 2011

I Work for a Jerk.

Today sucked. 

And, sucked why? 

Because, my PO is a jerk. And, it is as simple as that. There are no other words to describe a character that is as common as his. I am no judge and i am aware of that... I have tried to control my anger, i have tried to put up with the things that he has been doing but unfortunately, i don't think this is what i deserve. 

Ever since, he has joined, he has had the same tune of insinuating at us that we haven't been doing our work "properly". In fact, if you go by his words, "You people have done nothing in the past five months. NOTHING." And, this comes from a man who joined us this past August. 

WOW! You would say! 

And, i would say... "The story of my life"

Ever since him, i have been grumbling... saying things that i normally wouldn't say and behaving as i would usually not behave. I mean, what right has he got to say something so demotivating as that? 

He is not a good boss. He is a harasser, technically. And, he is confused, arrogant, and basically a narcissist. Importantly, my best description of him is a scatterbrain.  

I have had the opportunity of having numerous arguments with him in the past two months. And, every time, he tells me that even if i don't like taking him for a boss... i will have to because apparently, i don't have other choice. 

Well, f**k him. 

Honestly, today was the limit of what i could have tolerated. He should not have said what he said today... and that sardonic tone of his, that normally doesn't come under "professional".

So, maybe i am not as "professional" as he thinks he is, i know what is right and what is wrong. 

Showing up at twelve on an appointment of ten-thirty is not "professionalism" nor it is right. Besides, not even feeling ashamed of it... it is some "professionalism" on a whole new level that i can never comprehend. And, doing this on four different occasions! Are you kidding me!! 
 
So, f**k him.  

Ideally, i should just punch him in his face. But, some people are just not even worth that. 

Some people never grow.

In the end, what i have learned about him is that I have a child for a boss. 

Because, if grown-up "professionals" are like him, i am happy being me. 

I am happy being a "child".

Honestly.


October 18, 2011

Winter Blues.

I woke up to the first hints of winter. 

I always find it interesting how a year catches up with us. It's October already, i remind myself many times a day. And, this morning, as the dreamy breeze brushed against my skin, i could smell the first cues of a tireless winter. 

I am stricken with this strange sense of dread. There was a time when i liked winters. I liked the nuances that they brought along with them. It is not just the shimmering snow that melted away in your warm hands, it is not just the mist that rescues you from the immediate reality... it is more than that. Or, it was more than that.

Now, i feel shrunk when i think of winter. I fear the idea of it. Sure, it brings Christmas along with it, it relieves me of the sweltering heat, but it also makes me feel closed. Too tight to even breathe.

It is this schizophrenic personality within me that shrinks inch by inch at the very thought of winter. So, when i stood this morning, momentarily breathing in the crisp breeze, i saw what this winter would be like.

The part of me that enjoys winter usually comes on the eve of Christmas when the lights shine so bright that any fear from claustrophobia dulls down. Christmas is even better- with the subtle drops of joy and blessings that you feel... but days after that... they are more fearful.

So, i am breathing. Breathing to make myself believe that i won't feel claustrophobic this year. This year, i will let some of the warmth within me take over... than succumb to the cold outside. This year, i will listen to the heart-warming songs of winter... singing them over and over again.

I want to change everything this year.

Starting with how i feel about winter. 

October 14, 2011

Work. Life.

It has been a great couple of days. 

I have been happy and cheerful. I have my reasons for it. 

The best part of my happiness is that my happiness comes for someone... that person has been a constant influence in my life this year and knowing that their life has been blessed with the best of things, it makes me happy. It makes me feel good to be happy for her. 

Today was a brilliant day. We had a meeting with our DGM and he is simply brilliant. It is these kind of people who have helped me to consider my project as my own. Every time, i meet my super bosses, i am in awe of them. Because, they have been able to maintain a picture that inspires me... i have never seen them angry, shout, or every demoralize their employees. They have been able to respect us which cannot be said for all. 

I have just written a letter to my ex-manager who is now in Paris. She was such a down to earth person and i have always looked up to her. I have talked to her about my future plans and she has always been encouraging. She has helped me assess my positive strengths and coming from these kind of people, you want to believe those things about you. If they are saying it, it must be right.  

I was  really blessed like that and sometimes, even now i think i am. 

I have the best of super bosses- all down to earth, warm, and understanding. It is hard not to crush on them I have crushes on all my super bosses, men and women alike. They are such so perfect in their work and that is something that is worth respect and awe. 

Although, it cannot be said for all of them. {You know, who you are!}

Finding great people at work, with whom you can discuss about the work, about your plans, and beliefs is an amazing thing. And, although, i no longer have such a person in my immediate work place, there are people far away, to whom i can talk to. 

I mean, what would you say, when your super boss sits among you and says that we can call him by name, like that is the most normal thing to do! 

I am lucky like that. 

I have been associated with this project since its first day. When there was no office, when there were no staffs, when there was nothing known. My PO and i, we would roam the unknown streets of Delhi, carrying heavy backpacks, meeting principals, office brokers, and what not. We would be out on Sundays coming back home at nine... and would go straight to our beds because tomorrow we have to start early. That one month in time was the best month of this whole year yet. 

There was this renewed sense of freedom about my life, about the dreams that i had, and a feeling so strong that i will pull my life back together. I will make myself proud. 

This project is much like a baby to me. I have belonged to it and somehow, i am possessive about it. I don't even feel guilty about my possessiveness. I want to work with for this project and it is this attachment that pulls me back from quitting. All of those beautiful memories pull me together when i lay down at night... 

On some nights, the hurt is so bad that i hate my work. I just want to call it off... to become less concerned about the becoming of this project... but then the sun comes out and it is bright and powerful. And, i change so easily. 

I have had the opportunities to work with some of the most amazing people here... Their names are on my fingertips because i was not an employee with them. I was a person, learning, and that alone sorted out any cold feelings. Unlike how it is today! 

I could take their scoldings in the most positive attitude because i know that it is for my own growth besides, it is never personal. It is this feeling of loyalty that makes me believe that i will come back here even if i leave to do my post-graduation. Even if it is five years down the lane, i want to come back and work here... in this place.

Only then, i will come back in a big way... not like it is now. 

Thank you to those wonderful people who have been the right kind of inspiration for me. 

Work life is a little less suicidal because of them.

October 13, 2011

Glide.

Right now, i am feeling bloated.

It is one of the things that life gives us- women, to show that we are special. I am surrounded by my colleagues, their nuisance, and their silly laughs, and their dry humor. 

We are just two girls in the office. The rest of the crowd is just bland men. Boys to be more precise. Talk of male domination in the world...  

It was not like this always. We were four girls before until one quit abruptly and another gave all that she had to this project, this office... Now, she must be asleep with her new born by her side embracing the beauties of her first motherhood. I miss her at times... sometimes, the office screams of her absence. 

A lot many things have been changing ever since. I miss her because i miss a friend. And, i miss her because she was a better boss. For reals!

It hasn't been easy for me to continue working here. I have had the worst of days... days where i could use a real good scream. Alas! the washroom is not sound proof and my colleagues really love a real good gossip story. Not that i am not already infamous!!

Because, i am. 


Anyway. Amongst the myriad of things happening in my life, i still have a feeling that things will fall alright. 

I have had chances of counselling sessions... of how to teach, of how to be with children and all of this excites me, shakes me to the core, and revs me up from slumber and bore. 

Work is just about right. 

Life is all about changing the sails when the wind changes its direction... 

And, a sense of humor makes just about everything perfect.    

Just like a glide. 

October 12, 2011

Welcome Baby

Time to write again today...

It is a happy day. 

Happy because, happy things have been happening. A new life coming to this world is a happy thing. 


As i write today, i have this little feeling of pride, happiness, and relief, all dancing along. I have been thinking of this day, waiting for it come, because i will get to know a new person. I will have a new person... and knowing that that little being is finally here, and in good health, and maybe even be tossing in its sleep now, makes me feel like a child myself. 

My happiness, these days, is coming from babies. 

This last week was full of it. And, today it is full of it again. 

As i re-play the events of this day, of how everything would have happened, i have a little smile... 

I have been writing to this baby ever since i have come to known of its existence. 89 days of e-mails, of sending reasons why it will love this world.... 

And, as i have been doing that, i have found new reasons to love this world myself. I never thought that having a dream of going to Paris could be this exciting or having a pet dog could be such a joyful thing. I did not know what it meant to be living in this world already until i started writing to the baby. 

And, through it, i have come to make myself believe that this world is a beautiful place...

... the first sunlight after days of mighty rain.

... and, jelly beans.

... and knowing that we can always turn to our mothers... for our laundry or for getting that pie's recipe. 

... tasting the first snow of the year.

.... and so, much much more.

Even thinking of all this makes me happy. Searching for the best things in this world has given me a new hope to which i can come back to when i am feeling sad or bitchy or cranky.

And, thankfully, i can always go back. 

I am already excited to meet this little baby, hoping that it is a girl. 

I am already excited to be its aunt. 

I am already excited about its 13th birthday... and graduation... and first prom...

And, i am already stocking candies. 

Welcome baby. 

October 11, 2011

Thoughts. Words. Actions.

I have decided to write. No matter what comes to my mind. 

Right at this moment, i am writing from my work place. Our boss is away on his vacation. Yes! And, so here we are sitting and working on our computers and also on the social networking sites. Ssssh...

There is a power failure. The heat is overbearing and the silence is overwhelming. It is so quiet even with four people sitting in the same room. I like this quietness, the moment in time of various possibilities. I am listening to songs on my phone and this helps me in keeping me in my happy place. 

Like there are some days, you just know that they are not your days, yesterday was one such day for me. Things just didn't want to happen without a twist. It was very emotional specially with PMS around the corner. Even the littlest of things make me cry these days... that is the intensity of the weeks that have been passing by. 

I am losing interest in my work and sometimes, the very thought scares me off. I have been noting the changes that have been happening in me. Somehow, i am not able to see the good things that have been happening with me. However, i can see my friends and sister living the best of their lives without even a hint of regret. These are the days when everyone else's life looks perfect. I know this is wrong, i know i shouldn't do this to myself. 

And, yet somehow i beat myself up with everything. I need something strong, positive, happy that could shake me up and make me believe in myself once again. 

And, with that i also know that eventually whatever i do will turn out right. It has to. 

Today, i will keep quiet, i will try to bring my heart and brain to a sync so that my decisions have a bit of everything together. I will cut myself some slack today, punish less, and give myself some free time to think beyond. 

By the end of this day, i want to be able to say that i have not wasted this day, that i have invested the time today into building myself. 

Today, i am learning that with everything that i want to do, i have to believe in myself first. And, mostly, put my thoughts into words into actions. 

October 10, 2011

Help

This past week has been an adventure of the sorts. 

I am learning that the very things that i fear, that i don't them to happen, are the very things that make me happy in the end. 

I am thinking of all the happiness that i have felt in the past two days surrounded by people who won't judge me, whose words speak the truth in a softer tone, whose actions cause the heart to be less cynical. These are the people who let me be me and with them things look a little less complicated. 

I haven't been able to write. Lack of inspiration and belief in myself. 

Things have come to a confusing turn. I want to get a post-graduation degree and it seems like that is never going to happen. I am so caught up in the things that have happened by chance. And, i am quizzing whether the things that we plan, whether they ever happen. 

This year has been the best precedent for the things that have happened by themselves. So many things that i never thought i would have, those are the very things that i have. But, at the same time, the things i had planned for, they are no where near. 

I am neither happy nor sad. Neither feeling successful nor feeling like i have lost everything.

Confused. 

That is more like it. 

I want to quit my job. Because, i am not happy working here. Should i just blind myself to the people and continue to work because i love the project? Or should i quit and be with people who make me happy? I am thinking but sharing all of this makes me feel weak. I have given up on everything- reading, writing, enjoying the lighter side of things, and just being a child. 

I don't want to be a quitter but i also don't want to give up on my happiness.  

And, given this week, where i have been happy, celebrating the smallest of achievements and knowing that this very moment is the best that could ever happen, i know i have to make the right decision. 

Help.