February 28, 2012

Vacuum.

I don't know what it is. 

Is it just plainly the hormones or some invisible force that makes me feel like this? I haven't worked that much and yet, i feel like i cannot take it much longer. Even the smallest of issues seem larger than they ought to be. I feel loveless, lifeless.

In these days, i have less energy and lesser patience. I am not quite the same person you would have seen at the beginning of this year. I just have to put up with the years of my life. There is no larger meaning of my living. I feel so and so less as every day passes mocking me in my face. There isn't any pity and i can't even cry it out. There is a shadow which follows me even in the dark- the shadow of the past, the shadow of the future, and in all, the shadow of the unknown. I need to walk away from all of this. 

I need space. I need time. And, i need vacuum. 

February 22, 2012

But, Impossible, NO.

It is odd. 

The more i read Eat Pray Love, the more i think about writing. I happen to be very writeable these days. I know there is no such word as that but it is just how i feel. I feel there is a lot to be written. In this moment of extreme quiet and paining minds, i feel i could invest in writing and emerge out victorious. 

That is just the way i feel.

The more i think of giving up, the more i feel like holding still giving it one more try. There was a time when i couldn't feel myself, when i couldn't bring the words out of my head into developed sentences, into something comprehensible. I was void of words and emotions just rocked and rolled over in my hypersensitive brain. The thought of writing failed me a million times. And, every time my words couldn't walk, they died a million little asphyxiation deaths. 

So, i no longer wish to withhold myself. I want to move about and i want my words to do the same with me. If only i could bring everything out here... in front of me. It would be so much easier and maybe, maybe the pain will go away. I don't know what i am talking about. There is this pain... i know, it exists but why! I don't know anything about it. I don't know why it began and why it is continuing to take form as a monster lurking in the dark. Since when did i become this negative, dark, gloomy person. 

Can i actually be this person? Is this just the limit i could grow and develop into?   

I was never a bubbly person, i know of that. And, i don't recall myself as being happy. Throughout my school years, i remember being sad. I remember crying, lots of crying. And, i remember hatred. Growing up isn't anything fun. Not for the likes of me. I am what i am and it is because of what i was. The context remains the same and i cannot simply state that i have changed much from what i was before. Not much. A lot maybe but not much. 

Momentarily, i would sit with a cleansed heart, thinking of all the blessings God has given me and how much i have survived to become who i am today. It is so strange that God chose me to be. I am not a happy person. Everything has culminated to this. I am not a happy person. I am not this outgoing person who could make friends with anyone and everyone. I am not this soft, kindhearted, girl that some people think i am. I just am not. I am neither quiet nor i am talkative. I lie somewhere in the between. I dangle. There is some good in me and there is a lot of bad. 

And, in between i sit cross-legged, hands crossed, head up straight, waiting. 

I am waiting. That is what this has all been. I am waiting for that intervention when i could feel something better about myself. I see myself in the mirror as an ordinary person, not capable, low respect, and questioning. And, every time i do that, it breaks me a bit further, and it shifts another plate farther from my destiny. Maybe.

That's what i console myself when i have to take a leap of faith. 

But, it is alright. Sometimes, i think. I think i can rid of the pain. I can get rid of the questions that rise within me and i most certainly can change my course of destiny. 

Maybe, someday i will be able to learn to lift myself up without having to wait for anyone or anything to do that for me. Maybe, someday i will learn to rise up without looking back at the past, and then, maybe then, everything will set up like a good old movie. It will be not easy but i am sure somehow that it ain't going to be impossible too.

Difficult. Yes. 

But, impossible, NO. 

February 21, 2012

It Goes On...

I sometimes, just wish i could write a book.

But, i always end up against it. It is too much work, i conclude and i let go of the dream for some other time. It is much easier that way. Like i have started to write here, shutting down the once-world-known blog for making a space just for myself. I write here everything that i feel... shredding every piece of information that becomes so difficult to deal in the real world. This place is safe, it is hidden, and it is no longer judgmental. I used to write to Zest everything i felt but i thought it was becoming too much resembling depression and babbling and i didn't want my girl to grow up reading her mother's gloomy fairy tale. So, i come here.

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This is my place. And, i can sit here writing for minutes... without thinking of giving up. The thing is, it is easy to express myself in here, without actually having to cut words out, without having to worry about someone reading it, and without having to feel too guilty about having written something that i felt.

I have started with a self-portrait project since this 19th Feb. My year of turning 24 and turning another year older, and another year closer to Zest. I don't like even numbers for my age and certainly for anything that i consider auspicious or ominous. Even numbers freak me out... it is that or i think that even numbers are not that lucky for me as are the odd numbers. I am odd too, maybe that explains it all a bit.

I am thinking about smiling a lot. I want to hold a smile, letting the smile grow, and eventually becoming a part of my identity, my being, and my self- whatever, you understand best. It is not that easy, i thought. My face is easily arranged in a deep frown and it is set like that since i have started to notice my face in the mirror. Changing it to resemble a smile, actually takes effort and i can feel it in my muscles. But, this evening when i started this practice, i felt that once i smiled, my smile took shape, adjusted itself automatically. It was no longer a chore. It was easy. And, for the first time, i liked it.

Now, i thinking of smiling in my liver as well. 

Whatever, that means. 

I have a desperate urge to visit Bali. Actually, do it. I have been thinking of how to spend time when i would have resigned from work and when i would have ample time in my hand. And, this idea just stuck with me this evening. Why not travel? Why not use all the money to go about places and actually travel? That would be fun. It would make me feel better about myself and everything that comes with it.

I want to move away without having to lose my inner equilibrium. It all sounds so beautiful. But, sometimes i think i don't have the guts to make it happen. I don't want to explain all of this to anyone including my parents. I don't want to let anyone question what i am doing and by that i mean, interfere in my fucking business. I want to go about on my own without having to answer anyone but myself. Maybe God, but that is it. But, my real life is strikingly different from what i imagine. In my real life, i have people who need explanation for what i do, and why i do what i do. The thing is i don't have answer for it. I don't have answers to offer to anyone. I don't have satisfactory answers for anything, not even my own questions. 

I usually create this hyperactive world of how i will survive when something changes. I worry, brood over the likes and chances of my emergence, of being able to deal with the image of the change, or the person who is the part of the change. And, then when the change occurs, i glide smoothly as if i had been anticipating this all through the tough times. It would look so easy as if i had personally created this change, customizing it as per my whims and fancies. Something as simple as transforming into 24 from 23 was a dreaded event. I was moaning in silent pain of what i would do, this life was going away so quickly, and 24 being an even number, 2012 being an even number, life was just not being fair. But, when 24 happened, i was asleep, silently gliding along the river of age, dropping as streamlined as a fish would. I am an Aquarius not a Pisces. That is another fight that i am brooding over. 

That is me. That is how i turn the most simplest of events into a once-a-year event, hyping and ventilating over it for God knows what reason. 

That has been the story of my life ever since i remember. 

I should mention here that i am a bit obsessive. 

Now, as the day ends, it strikes me that tomorrow, it will be another day. I will forget what i wrote the day before. I will forget the smiling in my liver irony, and i will forget about the search for God and all that comes with it. I will forget that i am awesome, i am better, and that i will live through it all. I will wake up cranky because i am late. I will stay cranky unless and until i get out... the rest of the day will go by and i won't even remember to breathe with free will. I will speak, oh! that i will do. But, half of it won't make any sense and when under introspection, i will be ashamed. I will convince myself without difficulty that i have better things coming my way. 

My life is simple and i do have many things to offer. I like to think a lot... i like thinking about how i want to live. I like thinking about books. I like thinking about traveling. These are some things that make up my day. They drive me to the point until i lend a devout ear to them. I want to live like that, i want to live like this. It is all but a circle- a close knit circle and i am intertwined in between it. Dancing, crying, sobbing, laughing, smiling, writing, reading, working, cursing, eating, washing, loving, hating. It all makes me, in the end. 

It goes on... 

Everything's Gonna Be Alright.

I just learnt that Adele is younger than me.

Things like these, they bring me down to the point that i feel restless and unaccomplished. There is something like this always popping up, always poking me from behind, reminding me that i must start doing something. 

Who am i?

Neha is a doctor, Parthika is a teacher, Nithya is a political scientist!! so, who am I? Am i just a social worker? And, am i happy with that? These are some things that make me want to curl into the bed, wishing that tomorrow never comes. Because what good tomorrow can bring? I am always looking forward to peace, silence but i just can't seem to learn to compose my thoughts. They are always racing to the end that i have never even tried to find out about. I am at the time of my life where i am in desperate need of change because i like changes better. I am constant that way.

It has been four years since i moved to Delhi and although i have fallen in love with this city, now it is time to look for the beyond and find out what i have been looking for always. Reading Eat, Pray, Love... i have been thinking about spirituality. I am not spiritual. I am not the one who would willfully sit for long hours just to find out about God. But, i want to know more. I want to hear that voice that has become dormant within me. I want to start making decisions from my gut and for once, i want to be quiet.

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This city is so chaotic. There is chaos everywhere and people, they are crazy. It goes on like this for hours, every single day, every single minute. People rush in and out of metros. People rush to get the next bus. People rush to get this- to reach that. This city has its goods. This city also has its bads. Every time, i get stuck in something like this, that's the time when i want to get out desperately to some place where there is quite, where there are less people, and less of this chaos. I cannot even start to tell how much i have been feeling emotional these days.

I just sob without tears at everything and anything. And, i don't have any relation with it. Not as much as i would like to claim it. I have become a girl with constant PMS. That is the best i can describe it. I took leave today, thinking i needed a mental break, thinking i needed to rest it out. But, now it is 2:30 pm and i cannot yet accomplish the one thing that i took this leave for. I know, i have been working constantly, night and day. I thought, once this dental camp will be over, i will be able to grab some rest, some peace, some mental rest. But, alas!

Nothing came out of it. And, the worst thing is i am not even content with it. There is always something lacking. Always something missing. And, no matter how best i can do something to make it better, there is always something that comes out in the end that sticks out and it does not make me any happy. I feel i have become more like a skeptic. Always letting my ego dance around nakedly, without even believing that anyone is watching. On some levels, it is good but i cannot even start to describe what bad it has.

I am afraid. Afraid of so many things. I can't speak sometimes, because i am afraid what my words will bring to make things happen. I am sick of fake relationships, toxic friendships, and worse, of not being able to truly believe that anyone loves me. Because, i really cannot see myself loving myself. Am i that bad then? Am i not worthy of having the taken for granted love? Is it all so difficult when it comes to me? Why do i have this big hard-to-let-go-of ego? And, where does it hurt me the most? 

But, there is nothing to be done about it. I learnt that God resides within me as myself. And, i think, can he really do that? Can he love me for me? Am i enough for him? Because i have done some things that i am not very proud of and i often feel guilty about it. And, i want to get rid of that guilt because it is not making me feel any better about myself. I have had it and it is enough. 

I won't sit around waiting for someone to uplift me from my troubles because i hate advice when it is not asked for. I just can't it. And, for once, i want to just stop. I want to stop working. I want to stop looking like nothing can work out for me. And, i want to stop living like this. I want so many ways to live. I know i can. And, yet i feel like a helpless shit, finding ways to creep into a deep hole where i can just hide.

I know when i crave for him... when i have no back up to go to. When i have my friends, i don't give a shit about him or anyone. But, sometimes my friends can't even fill that void. I no longer, want to be dependent on anyone. I want to go away without being a trouble to anyone. Because, that is so much better. Meanwhile, there is nothing much happening in my life. There are the occasional bursts of laughter, the more often than not bursts of sadness, grime, and feelings of absolute despondency. I cannot sit back, i cannot lay down quite, and there are no stars. Not enough, at least. 

You know, what i want to do now. I want to be in an apartment which i own, or at least for which i pay the rent. I want to paint that apartment with colors that define me or the ones that make me happier beyond my knowledge, and i want to buy books. Lots of them. Every single one of them. And, i want to have endless supply of green tea and fruits, all of them. I want to eat, drink, read. Sit in the sunlight on a relaxing diwan, with glistening arms and legs. I want to do yoga in yoga pants. I want to buy antiques from local shops in Mumbai. I want to have enough money. I want to know everything about adoption. I want to prepare myself for everything... that comes with adoption. I want to know about everything. 

And, there is just always something more. I want to visit every single place on this earth, i want to be a traveler but the shit is, i haven't traveled any more than a mosquito would. I want to visit Assam, i want to climb the mountains, i want to paraglide over the beaches in Figi or as much as the local Mumbai beaches. I want to jump on a trampoline. I want to write without stopping and i want to be a mother, friend to Zest. I want to wear spring dresses without having to worry about my knees or my esteem, or the jerks on the road. I want to talk to him as if i don't care about him anymore, and i want to say everything that hurts me about my mother. I want to just stop caring about the petty things. 

Everything's gonna be alright. 

That's what i am holding onto.