Don't Run.

hi.

i usually have a feeling that nothing ever works out. and, mostly it isn't true. 

i actually like my work. sometimes, it is so challenging and so satisfying that i feel i am on top of this world. at other times, i miss quitting. 

the thing is everything is contradictory. 

oxymoron. 

and, there is only one reason for it. but, apart from that it is sometimes even fun to handle that one reason. 

because, working here has been a challenge in itself. and, like it happens in the devil wears prada, or like i imagine it to be, i calm myself saying that it is just one year. 

but the thing is that i have completed one year at this place. and, it has been a ride.

right now, i wonder whether i'll ever be able to quit. whether, i will ever be able to convince myself to leave this organisation and make a life for myself.

move on to greener pastures, as they say.

in the mean time, i am also trying to get into a master's program.

i am also keeping an eye on everything that comes out from unicef.

and, sometimes i just want to see myself in the light of that girl who is working hard to get her life in a track. i want it to be adventurous at the same time.

make the most of my twenties.

there are just so many things to do. endless things.

so, i have decided to dedicate myself.

to walk a mile every day on the road which will lead me to my destination.

of course, it won't be everyday that i will enjoy this journey. sometimes, i would hate myself for having these dreams, and on other days, every thing will be a piece of cake.

i just need to remember that i don't have to run. every single day.

life is remarkably easy. that's what i am learning.

we just have to give it a shot.

being realist with a hint of optimism.

:)

In the End.

very recently, i took an entrance exam for a very prestigious institute in india. 

i didn't clear my second round. 

that's it. 

there was a time when the result seeped into me and turned me into an emotional turmoil. but, now i feel just fine. i have accepted it as it is.

i just didn't get through. 

that result has nothing to do with my self-confidence, nothing to do with my future success, and it most certainly has nothing to do with what i think about myself. 

of course, if i didn't get through one exam, there will be another exam to take. 

there will another round of late night studies to go through with. and, there will be another round of questions that i will have to answer. 

it most certainly won't end just there. 

and, i will be there to do it all over again. of course, this time, i will be a bit more cautious, a bit more prepared. 

come to think of it, life is so much similar to taking an exam. 

there's the preparation, the anticipation, the fear of failure, the excitement of being closer to a dream, the actual test, and then the result, and then the consequences. 

when it comes to life, we are just so much more forgetful. 

it is so much more soothing to know that we are moving on with life... whatever comes with it always has a lesson, always has something important. 

for me, that failure was a means to let me understand what i want from myself. i want to hold onto my beliefs... no matter how strong the opposition is. 

there will be a place where i fit in. if there ain't, well, we will make a place for ourselves. 

too bad, we don't get too many lives. because, had it been any other way, we would have been too casual, too loose, too less grateful.

because, i got some things, some good things, despite that one single failure. 

it all works well in the end. 

that much is true.

Sweet, Beautiful Life.

one of the people i am working with lost her father. 

i have never had any opinions about death. except that it scares me. 

i have held onto the people who matter to me with a proud confidence. i believe that what i feel for them will protect them, will guide them, and will prevent anything bad from happening to them. 

until today. 

as my friend and i sat in the vicinity of the people who had lost a loved one, it hit me that we are absolutely helpless. 

we brainwash ourselves since we are young that we are too young to die. and, it is so soothing. 

because, of course, death seems like a very far off idea. and, it is more convincing that way. 

but, come to think of it, death is a simple fact, an event, that eventually happens. 

it scares me even to write about it. it curdles my bones and chills me but i wanted to talk about my experience. i want to remember that moment when a single tear trickled down that girl's cheek. and, no matter how much she tried fighting it, there was no fighting back. 

we sit in grudges, hate the ones who have walked all over us, curse under our tongues the ones who have seemingly willfully challenged our self-esteems. 

we manage to blind ourselves to the colors out there and we desperately cling to our pasts. we drag through our lives without the least worried about offending each day with our blatant refusal to live. we shun ourselves from happiness, from adventures, from joys. 

we cling. we rust. we give up.

we define excuses for our inabilities. we degrade our own selves. and, we deny ourselves what we are capable of.  

i don't understand how far it is right to stick with our opinions.

we sat and we listened as that girl talked about a stranger who had meant so much to her. we listened how he had made his children self-reliant, we listened to her mother's wails for the whole time we were there. it was sad. 

as we walked out, we smelled the fresh earth. it had just started to drizzle. and, wanted or not, the rain was welcome. 

my heart is still heavy. i want to dilute her voice that spoke about her father. i want to dilute the woman's dull, lifeless face. 

and, yet as i stir from within and carry on with my life, i know this day is important to me. 

i fear death still. 

but, i have learned to love life better. 

because, no matter how many deaths wipe out our hopes, a new life will still be celebrated. 

sweet, beautiful life. 

Bring Back Sunshine.

it rains outside. 

no matter, how hard i try to overlook this phase, somewhere within me, i have to acknowledge it. 

i had shut this blog for some time now. during that time, it was my place- a place where i could come to every time someone hurt me, or something made me happy, or something that just blew my mind away. 

now, i feel, it might me the time to come back to the world once again. 

what can i say! is now bring back sunshine. 

changes happen. and, they happen so subtly. the idea of giving this blog up was something unbearable. giving up the name was even more. 

but, i already knew, that i wanted something better now. something new. something that rings a bell within me, every time i hear it. 

so why bring back sunshine? 

i have always had a thing for sunshine. 

it is a beautiful word. the quality of being cheerful and dispelling gloom.

and, i have always wanted that kind of life. where i could enable myself to come out of sadness and evolve. 

decluttering everything unwanted. 

holding on to everything needed. 

rising above the losses. 

and, being modest about the gains. 

sprinkling some joys.

and, losing some fears.

now, i think is the right time to do more than ever before. 

this is it. 

now or never.

to those who have been with me all this time, thank you. 

Why You Have to Remember What You Have to Do.

Vissa Kungaeva, a 49-year-old horticulturist, holds back the tears as he tells the story of how, on night of 26 to 27 March 2000, his eldest daughter Khaeda, was asleep in the family home at No 7, Zacheri Lane in Tangui-Chu.  

He used to nickname her Elza. In the middle of the night, three Russian soldiers, headed by Colonel Yuri Budanov, burst into the house and seized Khaeda, dragging her away to their division’s military camp. Khaeda was beaten, raped and then strangled by Colonel Budanov. Her torment went on for two hours. Her body was later found, genitals mutilated. 

Eager to prove their commitment to making soldiers accountable for their actions, the authorities took the case to court. Although, he confessed the crime, Colonel Budanov walked free; the court had pronounced him “temporarily insane”. 

Sleptovskaya, Chechen refugee camp, Ingushetia, January 2003.

Nothingness.

whoever thought?

i was just going through my previous posts on this blog. and, what a roller coaster ride, i have. i dangle. a lot. in my emotions. in my beliefs. in my wants. in my needs. 

everything. 

today, i bunked from work. i sit here in this room, lighted with a dull, cold light. i wanted to do so many things today. i wanted to roll off to visit someone. i wanted to finish the book that i am reading. it is like that. i steal a moment for myself to expand it and yet, i let myself to shrink that moment. 

i can be a million things and more. 

but, i choose nothingness. 

Bring Back Sunshine.

trust me, i am trying to write.

but, it just doesn't happen like it used to.

i am struggling with words and don't even get me started about streamlining a story.

it is just not happening.

what do i do?

story?

makeover? wtf!!!

i constantly think about myself and what has happened to my writing style. it is lost somewhere among the woods where before they used to tease me and come to me like jelly from a jar.

it was easy. for christ's sake!!

now, i am in turmoil. the deadline's tomorrow and i can hardly think about anything that could bring out what i am thinking on the inside. it is torture, i tell you! a private hell!

so, the idea is to write about a character's makeover. to talk about how it changes the landscape of everything. in 500 words! well, that's gonna be easy.

i stopped at dripping rain! and haven't started yet again.

i woke up in a tremble. i didn't want to go to work. i didn't want to get ready. and, i wasn't yet ready to wake up. it has been a nightmare, waking every day to blankness.

everything happens in such monotony, such vagueness, and such aloofness.

it is like i am in a long shot... and watching my life happen without actual participation in it. sometimes, i just feel like i have been cheated with. and, while i smile or even laugh, i know that it is void.

i want to write. and, i want to have an audience which appreciates me. which listens and understands. which stands by me like a rock.

these and many things.

i want to write again. like a star. with my unique voice. and, i want to do it right now.

i want to make the rain stop and let the sunshine enter.

a new beginning of writing.

writing like i have never written before.

Plainly. Simply.

i have made some changes here. 

i thought, i could never let go of my work. 

but, over the years, i have learnt that anything that was once worth your time can and will change. everything is bound to change. 

and, suddenly i want to show this blog to the world again. it seems quite silly but i guess, i will still take some more time to let that happen. 

i need some time to keep myself for myself. besides, i don't have time to open this blog and explain everything to everyone. maybe, i can share it with a few who matter something to me. 

maybe, i can open up only to them and maybe let them see me. 

others. well, i don't care about them that much anymore. 

i want to invest myself where i can get the best returns. everything else, everything else is just futile. 

soms has left for new jersey. i will miss her. it is just that at least here, she would have been available. she would have been there, just in case. now, time zones will crawl between us, people will most certainly do, and maybe we will move on at some point. 

i have always imagined that someday we will lose contact. and, i am pretty sure that if we have been able to continue our friendship this far, it has been from my end. now, we will see what happens when everything will just tumble and fall onto us. 

i am a bit jealous too. 

nonetheless, i will be happy for her if she is happy with her life. 

the most amazing things happen to the people who are least expecting it. and, look at me. i sit at the same pc where i sat last year. of course, i can say that i have chosen my life... that i have done things that i have wanted to do. that is the only thing i can be proud of but i should be humble about it, ideally. 

i am learning a lot these days. 

little things about others. 

big things about myself. 

i see myself becoming someone i am not. and yet, i enjoy being that person. like, on this year's assessment sheet, i was scored average in team building and i was wondering that a lot has changed in the past year. of course, this is something that is eating me away from within. i never used to indulge in comments or gossips before... i had no sync with my team. everyone was either against me or seemed like it. 

that was the story so far. 

and, now when i think of it, and when i look at my team, i see myself withering away. because,  although i have managed to place myself within this team, i have also lost a lot in the process. i have become one among them but i have also become one like them. 

now, i might even score good in team building but of course, a lot has changed within me. 

everyone is nice to me at work, everyone treats me as a part of their team, and everyone has accepted me. but, i am not able to accept myself. i know, that before certain things happened with me with all the best intentions. now, things have changed. 

i want to know. how is it that a person has to lose so much to fit into someone else's idea of a good team? and, why is it that others who can't seem to accept me as i am are able to accept me when i become someone like them? 

it is hurtful. 

their change in attitude. the way they treat me now. and, how easy everything seems now, just because now, i am like them. 

how long do i go about like this? and what if, in this storm, i lose myself. 

so tactful. 

so deceitful to my soul. 

so so lost. 

sometimes, i am struck with wonder at human behavior. 

there is me. and, there is the world. 

how i have changed to get things done. and, how i have made others change to make their work easy for them. 

and, how for some people, i will continue to remain the same. and, how those very people will be the same for me. 

everything is so very strange and yet, that is how it will be from now on. 

childhood was more easy. back then, of course. 

now. things. change. easily. 

like cell phones replaced telephones. without any pains. without any regrets. without any frets. just a simple switch. 

i look at this ever changing world. i see how much it has in it that has come from its origins and how easily it is willing to give up those very things. i once, wanted to grow up, so i could create my own kind of world for myself. 

now, in desperation of this world that has been built around me, i know that it will take a while before i could tell myself that i am content with everything that i have.  

some days, when i get vacuum myself out, i longingly get lost. the world shuts. i am my own. a ping sound sounds and that is all i could hear. 

that moment is bliss. that is the moment, i tune in to, every time i lose track of myself. when i switch off, that is when i am myself, the most. it is becoming more and more difficult as times go. but, it is something innate. 

i day dream. i get lost. i get found. 

that is just how i function. 

plainly. simply. 

Questions.

you know, i am okay. 

i am already planning what to do next. it doesn't come as a shock to me that i didn't get through. it is just that i need some time to get out of all this. i wanted to get through because i wanted something for myself from myself. and, i had been waiting for this for a very long time. 

anyways, it didn't happen. 

the waiting lists come out in may and now, had it not been that way, i would have still managed to continue. but, with this, i am stuck back again. i am thinking, maybe now, just maybe, who knows, right?

Learn to Trust.

you know when the universe works for you and when it doesn't. 

mostly, the truth is that you don't see it. it just happens. on a full moon night, you walk believing that everything is going to be alright, that somehow your shattered life will get the guts to try once more. you know what!! the universe starts working then. 

for you. 

you must be wondering why i am writing all this. clearly, i am high or something because i have the reputation of being an agonist, someone who repeatedly wants to write and talk about sad and depressing things. but, tonight it is different. 

tonight, i feel like there has to be something new about me. i have lost again. i have failed again. but, i feel alright. i know, i had put so much on this one thing. but, losing it doesn't make me feel like i cannot rise and win again. in fact, i have already charted out what to do next.

before viewing tiss' results, i prayed to god!! hoping it might change the result in my favor but that prayer was heart felt. i said to god, if i get through, give me strength to live through the adventures and if i don't get through, give me strength to live through the different adventures and guide me through them.

maybe that is when i realized that it would be so much better to go on with my life if i don't know what's gonna happen next or maybe i realized it right now, when i am writing about it.

i walked alone on the terrace, just the moon to watch over me, the beautiful winds to stretch my thoughts, and the twinkling little stars to make it even better. i sang, i talked to myself, i relaxed, and i learned.

i am not that kind of lucky, you know.

besides, i didn't like mumbai anyway.

there are so many things that i can tell myself to satisfy my ego but the truth is that i want to learn to accept my failures as a part of my success. i have accepted this result. although, a little hope flickers within me, i feel that getting into tiss or not getting into it is not going to stop me from having adventures.

soms, once told me that i am the only girl she knows who is living her life exactly the way she want it. although, i couldn't believe it, i rethought it and somehow, it is convincing. i have some moments like that, and i cannot deny that.

i did cry. i did want to get away from everything. and, for more moments, i was ashamed of how i will share this news with everyone i had told about this. and, i still feel it in my bones. the shame of a failure is too strong an emotion to let go soon and i think i will carry it within me for some more days. it is more a shame that i have to live with because it is a shame that i have created for my own self. it is no so much what they will think of me, it is more or less about what i think of myself when i recall this failure.

for this reason alone, i need to sit back and engross myself in the things that make me, things that i am proud of, things that stand up for me.

so, as this night ends, i will still think of my failure but this time, i will club it with the plans for the future. life is as it is. sometimes, it plain hurts and sometimes, it is like a bed of roses indeed.

tomorrow, i will rinse my hair, wash myself, and stand up straight before going out, i will walk the streets with a pride that i have failed, that now i have another chance to make things extraordinary for me. maybe, it won't work tomorrow but when the winds are just right, and when the sun is not as bright, i know it will work. i will smile again. and, then i'll buying an application form from a different university hoping again.

because, that is how life is.

every changes.

we all just gotta learn to trust. 

Journey.

blood rushes to my face, 

brings along the fear of failure,

i sit by the window,

wishing upon stars in demure,

people walk past me, 

they smile and they say,

it all matters nothing in the end,

you might as well stop hoping. 

there is a star i choose,

a small, cornered one, 

who knows what story it holds,

in its misty starry lands, 

i choose that star for one reason, 

far as it is from me, 

it accounts for no treason,

i watch it blink, once and then twice,

smaller it seems, every time i close my eyes.

bring me back my dreams,

the ones i dreamed of, 

holding breath, folding hands, 

the ones i cried for,

i send my dreams to that star,

the one small, cornered one, 

shooting hopes, and keeping doors ajar,

i sit in the moonlit night.

i have walked, i have crawled,

i have done whatever there are, 

now, i take a leap,

of faith, of passion, 

i hold onto the last drop,

every figment screams of success,

every little cell knows of it,

in these final moments of the journey,

another one begins again. 

New Leaf.

tomorrow, it is the day when everything about my life will be decided. 

last evening, i was walking on the terrace, under the stars, basking the last drops of a full moon. it looked so beautiful. the moonlight, the skyline, the regular metros, the twinkling stars, my heart. everything. 

i was at peace. satisfied. 

when i came back down, i wrote a poem on summer nights. 

and, i prayed to god. 

it was the first of many nights that i prayed sincerely to him. it is not so much fear, but it is more of taking that leap of faith when all other answers die down. i have been talking about my results to my friends, my sister, but none of them, none of their answers satisfy or quell this fear within me. 

so, i went to god to ask for his power, to ask for his strength. 

it was so easy to pray to god. it was as if i had done it every single day of my life. it was as if i had been a master at it. 

i prayed. 

i poured out my fears, my reasons, my anticipations, my needs. 

everything. 

and, for the first time, in that quiet of the night, i know that god heard me. 

i know that he listened to every word that i said. 

i told about how much tiss matters to me, how much i need to give a boost to my career, how much it will be helpful in choosing a career path for me. 

i want to believe that everything will be alright. that i will get into tiss this very year, this very time, and that i will start my life as fresh as a new leaf. 

Summer Begins Tonight

summer begins tonight,
for me,
the winds change direction,
the stars shine a little brighter,
i walk in the moonlight,
a mile little farther.

i am not afraid,
summer is here,
the nights are lit,
in the lights of joy,
saints guard the holiness,
the solitude, the stillness,
i look at the skyline,
unmarred by loneliness.

sounds of the nights glow and grow,
i dream of walking on the beach,
voices of the night rush through,
promising beauty,
water rushes touching my feet,
and rushing back,
i am left happy and safe,
and smooth and rich.

there is the carousel,
lights twinkling like the stars,
there is the hooting,
and the screams,
there are popsicles, star dusts,
and the stolen loves.

there is the moon,
there is the one twinkling star,
and, the night when you realized,
you are more than what you are,
the summer revolves around you,
you, and you, and you,
everything is better,
everything is new,
you gotta love summer nights,
you gotta shift, and dance, and move.

it is summer,
summer nights begin tonight,
it is the season of the fresh,
it is the sign of out of the blue,
i hope your summer lasts forever,
not the sweaty palms and underarms,
not the heat waves, not the power cuts,
just the sweet smell of the summer,
the promise of new,
summer begins tonight,
for me and you, and you.  

For the Good.

there are so many things dancing in my head.

and, i am trying to stay calm. 

these days, i dream a lot. day dreams and the regular ones. both reflect what i want and what i fear of. i have been fearing life for its largeness. 

i was walking on the terrace this evening. i love these walks and when the moon is out, it is like a piece of heaven made just for me. but, i see everything changing. there are buildings now where once there was open space... space where the universe was visible. it was once visible in the dancing trees, in the giggling winds, in the twinkling leaves. now, everything is concrete...

it has taken but a year for all this change. 

it all has happened so fast, in front of my eyes that it scares me. i don't want to live in a city. i don't want to be surrounded by cold buildings. i want to walk on the green grass just because it is the most natural way to walk. i want to breathe in the air that comes from the universe... and i want to dip my feet in water whenever i feel. nothing can ever replace nature... a city most certainly cannot. as i sit and write this, i think of mumbai. mumbai is a beautiful city... it indeed is. it is but a haven of man. it is but a desperate attempt to survive. and, it is painful. the sea is the only saving grace of mumbai. i loved the sea. it is the only thing that will make you want to come to it no matter what time of the day. even when you are tired, you think of the sea, even when you are hot, you think of the sea, and even when you know you are falling in love, you think of the sea. you think of the sea when your heart is tired and broken. you think of the sea when your life is falling apart, and you think of the sea when you want to have fun with your best friends. the sea is everything and everything is the sea. 

mumbai equals sea. 

there is nothing else to love about mumbai. 

delhi.

delhi is a city, too fast for me. too slow for who are too fast. but still, it is easy to fall in love with delhi. you know why? it is one thing too simple. delhi accepts you for who you are. you might be a small girl with a dark complexion, a person with the least self esteem, a girl who dreams about changing her life every single day. delhi will let you do it. delhi will bring your dreams to life and it will bring life to you. they call mumbai the land of opportunities. i say, it is delhi where you can realize your dreams and not necessarily fall for them. you will still stand on your feet. you will still see your dreams turning into reality. 

that is what delhi does. 

delhi brings everyone together. and, delhi protects your dreams. 

there is no better reason to love delhi. 

it has been four years that i have lived here. i came here from the ruckus that chennai did to me. in the july of 2008. it is the year 2012. the year, i called mine. the year, i believe life will change for me. this city brought everything to me. it has made me feel grateful. i recovered from a broken heart, from a broken self. 

tonight, everything is about bringing back to life. i wanted some solitude, i wanted to have some winds messing my hair, and i wanted to have some answers to everything about my life. some things happened. some things will. 

you can always find your answers with nature. 

the endless sky. the bright moon. the twinkling stars. the cold winds. the dancing trees. the moonlight walks. 

everything is here. 

and, i hope i can always get to them whenever i want to. 

today, i complete one year with naandi. today, so many things happened that i never knew i was capable of doing. i don't know what i will do if i don't get into TISS. i don't know whether i want to continue working with naandi. i cannot say if i will get through tiss. nothing's sure.

but, there is no better time to raise your hope. and, there is no better time to believe in your faith. 

and, i am trying to do it now. i am trying to tell myself that i have everything. i am lucky. and, i am grateful. 

whatever will happen, will happen for the good.