Dream It. Do It.

i am quite nervous. 

i have quit my job. 

and, now as the days arrive more faster than they had before, i think of the time that i have in my hands and the ones that i have lost. 

june is going to be jam packed. 

exams. preparations. sleepless nights. sleepy days. wikipedia. newspapers. google.

june will probably end faster than ever before. 

and, as i fidget around, i will learn new things. 

there is a hint of possibility in the air. it speaks of the good things about to come. it also speaks of the hard work that needs to be done.

sometimes, working hard is so easy. it blends with your ambition so you notice it less. 

but, some other times, you have to force yourself. 

i must say i feel confident. i must tell myself that i can do it. 

if i can dream it, i can make it happen. 

that's what i want to believe in.

as this summer day ends, as it folds into itself, there is a tiding of redefined hopes. 

things will be better. 

Wanting.

i don't know what i feel.

i am sort of quiet. trying to find out what i want. 

i sit. i think. i lose myself. i go into a world of happiness and then back. 

i am my most when i am alone. silent. at peace.

it happens like this sometimes. when, i have had my hormones back to a line. it happens, i tell myself. 

but, i can concentrate. strangely, i can. 

i can tell myself what i want for sure. and, i can look back at myself and find myself there- happy and living. 

it is nice to think of it that way. i can skip a few things but the rest of the world goes on as it is supposed to be. sometimes, i think i could do a lot better. 

then, i slow down.

because, i know that life is going out, wanting me to be, to focus on it. wanting me to live every single moment. 

it is just that i can't get over life. it is too demanding, too vibrant, and too bold. and, it is attractive.

i want it.

truly, madly, deeply.

I Have a Dream.

there is so much pain in this world.

as i read more, i get to know more. and, in knowing more, i can no longer pretend to live in a small, happy world. it will be a sin to continue to remain indifferent.

sometimes, i lie on my bed at night and think of the immense security that surrounds me.

i am fed, i am capable, i can dream. i can choose, deny, and want.

mostly, it is a belief that i can make my life as i want it to be. i can add, i can delete, i can amend.

i can walk in the woods when i want to, eat the food that i love so, and i can read what inspires me to cry, to laugh, to smile, to be carefree.

i have this freedom of spirit. it can dance from one day to another without being crushed or questioned. it can swim in the melodies of my dreams, rising and falling, and yet rising again.

there is more to this freedom than just this...

sometimes, though this belief breaks. because, somewhere in this world, a child does not have enough food to eat and that is the fate of many...

when i sit begrudgingly because i didn't get what i had asked for, a little girl finds the last remnants of a play doll, a twinkle crossing her eyes, a dream realized.

a boy of sixteen, sitting on the curbs of a tarred road, the sun beating hard, a restless traffic, a heavy day, selling books... someone out of the crowd "might" buy a book. but, what are the odds!

-source

i have a dream.

i have a dream that every child on this earth gets to live his/ her life like i have lived. even better.

i have a dream that no child dies of hunger.

i have a dream that every child on this earth has someone. anyone. just so that his/ her life doesn't go unnoticed, unaware, and unwanted.

i have a dream that every child finds out how magical is the world of books and how much there is...

i have a dream that every child gets a chance. if only one... but a chance.

big dreams... i realize that but i want to dream that way.

so, i don't wash myself away in the littleness of my own life. so, i could take one step, if only one.

so, i don't give up on a child.

Free.

i feel free.

i feel opportunities opening up.

this is good.

OK.

i did it.

i sent my resignation letter. 

and, although, i have this little jumpiness that i feel from within, i know that i have taken the right decision. it is more of a risk. i don't have a back up. but, i know that by the time i am relieved from here, i will find it out. if nothing  else, i can finally start working hard to focus on my education. 

i long for the days when i can sit by the window and know that i am doing something that is actually making me happy. this job, in all its best intentions, was draining me out. what made me stick to it for so long? 

the work experience letter!! yes!! i remember.

i grow a bit more nervous every single day that wake up and know that i have to go to work again. 

i lose a bit of myself when i keep quiet when i should actually stand and guard my honor and dignity. 

and, believe it or not, i am feeling alright. 

i have to start a new life. a better one. where i don't have to come home and head straight to the bed, because i don't have the least amount of energy to do anything else. 

i don't want to sit in one corner of the office and worry how come i have digressed from my path so much. 

but, lessons learned are lessons earned. 

i am alright. 

because, i am standing up for my principals and i am fighting for standing by the right thing. i also need to remember that no matter how much they try to cajole me, i will still stand proudly to what i believe in. and, i know that i am doing the right thing. 

i am quitting because i don't like working here. 

i am quitting because every single day that i continue to work here will be a way to shut down my soul again and again. 

it has to be the right thing. 

i will be ok. 

On Quitting & Trying

nothing ever means much. 

until we make something out of it. 

i have been thinking about quitting my job for a very long time. it started out as something harmless- a mere whim but as every day passes, i stand aloof and think of what i feel. 

i feel wronged. 

i feel like i am stuck. 

convinced that i need to break out or i will sink in further. 

every one around me half listens. it does not affect them directly, you see. they hear most of what i say. like it is their duty and they quickly forget. i forget. i lie down and i think of it as if it is a dream- a part of life that will go away as soon as i stop paying real attention to it. 

but, it sticks. 

sometimes, i am so numb to even say what hurts me the most. and, sometimes i sincerely laugh it off as if everything that happens is a joke- a silly, harmless joke. 

but, i want to take some action. 

i want to free myself from the pangs of anxiety that throttles me... and i want to be free from knowing that i am not growing. 

i haven't- not in the last year.

it is a risk. and, i know i will have to fight for being relieved. 

but, it is something that i have to say out loud. because, it is eating me from inside and every day i let it go, it gnaws at me and what i believe in. 

in another day, i will stop saying what i believe in. 

and, then i will stop bothering at all. 

tonight, i want to just fly away. away. 

without having to return and face this truth that has haunted me for so long. 

when would i actually love something? when would i feel that i have found a place that has the extensions of me? is it ever going to happen? 

have any of you ever found it? 

and, should i keep trying anyway? 

On a Sunday.

a sunday. 

a much awaited day. 

after the week's work, after all the deadlines, the disappointments, and the hurry, everything quietens today. 

i wake up knowing today i don't have to run late for my work, or miss out on my breakfast. i wake up knowing that i am only for myself today. and, what a sweet feeling it is! 

i could tune down the voices in my head and the ones surrounding me. and, after so long, i could sit through a sunday without having to worry about anything much. 

i read.    

i detox. 

i turn my attention to myself. 

it all seems so right. 

the sounds are turned down. the pillows are perked up. and, the books are lined in order. the cup of tea is steaming. and, the glasses donned. 

the cool air in the room moves the curtains. ever so slowly. 

the little everyday sounds tingle. 

i seethe in my head- eager to know my next book's characters, to know what story lies ahead. 

i sip my tea. 

the afternoon is slow- melodious and calm. 

everyone else sleeps while i sit and read. a tear trickles down... because there has been a loss. a character dies. because the story goes on unexpectedly, taking another turn. 

i breathe in. i breathe out. 

words form in my head only to lose their origin. and, i go back to the place where i had left. 

the evening comes around. it is cool, brusque, and somehow less. yesterday, there was a moon in the sky. i close my eyes and remember how it looked. beautiful. stark. 

i feel at peace. somehow winning everything that i had lost over the week. 

my calm. my dreams. my thoughts. and, my slowness. 

it all turns out good in the end. 

on a sunday.   

Floating.

sometimes, things at work can be a little annoying.

i mean, the colleagues, of course.

it has been a ride- a good one, so far. i have been able to gel with them and become a part of their team. and, we have had fun so much so that coming together was the best thing that could happen at work. that was how it was going so far.

but, things are changing.

something happened last evening.

one of my colleagues behaved in a very immature way. it was obvious that he was having some trouble elsewhere. yet, i am not able to incline myself to show sympathy towards him. and, now as i sit here and have to look at him again and again, it irritates me.

he has no right to talk to us in such a way. this workplace is not his home. the least he could do is keep quiet. or maybe even share it with us.

however, it hasn't occurred to his mind yet.

it is alright.

i mean, of course, he will understand it sometime. i am not in the least affected by it. but, yes, i am not going to tolerate it.

there is no power today. seems like some major fault. seems like another dull evening at work. i love it better  when i am out. when i see so many people, when i am asked to face challenges and solve them, when i am with my children.

here, in this duplex that is my office, i sometimes feel like i am sucked out of my energy and my dreams. i have been thinking of quitting here for a very long time but it just doesn't seem to happen. i wish i could just get into a master's program and go away.

i convince myself that everything is going to be alright. that some things fall apart so better things come together.

so, i know...

today, i will go back home with some heaviness. i will go out for a walk to just leave all this out... to forget what seems to drain to my energy every day as it passes.

i will list out the things that i am grateful for.

and, i will leave negative thoughts out. i will promise myself that i will breathe every time i feel like i am drowning.

and, a smile.